read the following statement carefully. Copying any of the information
on these pages is strictly forbidden. There is no Father Christmas.
This policy covers THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION’s use of personal
information that THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION collects when you use
Beelzebozo.co.uk. The policy also gives you information about cookies;
how you may attempt to reject such cookies. Ha.
From time to time, you will be asked to submit personal information
about yourself (e.g. name, email address, grandparents' names and
times when you leave your house unnattended) in order to receive
or use services on our website. This information is MANDATORY.
By entering your details in the fields requested, you enable THE
BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION and its service providers to provide you
with the services you select. Whenever you provide such personal
information, we will treat that information in accordance with this
policy. When using your personal information THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION
will act in defiance of current legislation and aim to circumnavigate
current Internet best practice. Failure to comply with our requests
for information will be seen as a direct insult to THE BEELZEBOZO
CORPORATION and can be punishable in very nasty ways, possibly including
non-compliant visitors receiving vast amounts of penile disfunction
targeted advertising. (Not that you'd notice.)
2. Visitor Information
During the course of any visit to Beelzebozo.co.uk, the pages you
see, along with a short text file called a 'cookie', are downloaded
website publishers to do useful things like find out whether the
computer (and probably its user) has visited the website before.
This is done on a repeat visit by checking to see, and finding,
the cookie left there on the last visit.
Information supplied by cookies can help us to provide you with
a better online user experience and assist us to analyse the profile
of our visitors. For example: if on a previous visit you went to
our educational pages, we might find this out from your cookie and
highlight haemorrhoid cream information on your second and subsequent
visits. We can also check to see if you have been frequenting hard-core
internet sites and what you were doing to yourself while you were
there. Oh yes we can.
Nielsen//Netratings, an independent measurement and research company,
gathers deeply personal information regarding the visitors to our
website on our behalf using cookies, log file data and code which
is embedded on our website. THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION uses this
type of information, as with that obtained from other cookies used
on the site, to help it improve the services it can administer to
its users. If you wish to reject Nielsen//Netratings' cookie, you
can use the process set out below in point 7. To Totally Opt-Out
of Nielsen//Netratings collecting any data regarding your interaction
on Beelzebozo.co.uk, use the Opt-Out in their Privacy and Cookie
Policy at http://www.netratings.com/privacy.jsp?section=leg_scs.
It won't do you any good at www.beelzebozo.co.uk but it will probably
make you feel better.
3. What is a cookie?
A cookie is a small amount of data, which often includes an anonymous
unique identifier that is sent to your browser from a website's
computer and stored on your computer's hard drive. Each website
can send its own cookie to your browser if your browser's preferences
allow it, but (to protect your privacy) your browser only permits
a web site to access the cookies it has already sent to you, not
the cookies sent to you by other sites.
Many sites do this whenever a user visits their website in order
to track online traffic flows and collect other more sinister forms
of information. The best course of action is to sit back and let
it happen. It will be less painful in the long run
Cookies record information about your online preferences, hair colour,
ethnic group, sexual orientation, hand preference and toothpaste
usage. Users have the opportunity to set their computers to accept
all cookies, to notify them when a cookie is issued, or not to receive
cookies at any time. The last of these, of course, means that a
representative of THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION will need to visit
you and administer some of the more permanent and painful services
that are not openly displayed on Beelzebozo.co.uk. Each browser
is different, so check the "Help" menu of your browser
to learn how to change your cookie preferences.
If you have set your computer to reject cookies you can still browse
Beelzebozo.co.uk until such time as you hear that ominous knock
on the door. That's where our fun begins. For further information
on cookies please visit www.fauchon.com/c-Cookies-Biscuits.html.
4. Use and storage of your personal information
When you supply any personal information to Beelzebozo.co.uk (e.g.
for competitions, Beelzebozo.co.uk Community services or Beelzebozo.co.uk
membership) we have legal obligations towards you in the way we
use those data. We must collect the information fairly, that is,
we must explain how we will use it (see the notices on particular
webpages that let you know why we are requesting the information)
and tell you if we want to pass the information on to anyone else.
Unfortunately we decided long ago that this held up our long term
goals so we have stopped informing customers. You will notice that
the internet is a much less obtrusive place to be and we now know
everything there is to know about you, even down to where you hid
In general, any information you provide to THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION
will be used within THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION and by its agents
and service providers. Your information will be disclosed where
we are obliged or permitted by law and anywhere else we can get
away with it. Also, if you post or send offensive, inappropriate
or objectionable content anywhere on or to Beelzebozo.co.uk or otherwise
engage in any disruptive behaviour on Beelzebozo.co.uk, THE BEELZEBOZO
CORPORATION can use whatever information that is available to it
about you to stop such behaviour. This may involve informing relevant
third parties such as your employer, school e-mail/Internet provider
and law enforcement agencies about the content and your behaviour.
Any complaining or whinging emails sent to Beelzebozo.co.uk will
be met with the fiercest consequences.
We will hold your personal information on our systems for as long
as you use the service you have requested, and remove it if we want.
We will ensure that all personal information supplied is held securely,
in a box marked “Sensitive Personal Customer Information.
Do Not Read Or Sell To Dodgy Companies Outside Of The Beelzebozo/Masterdog
Corporation” in accordance with the Data Protection Act 1998.
This box will be left in full view of the general public between
the hours of 8 am and 6 pm Monday to Saturday with no visible means
of stopping interested parties taking, removing, copying, selling,
reading or otherwise using this information for their own dasterdly
If you are notified on a Beelzebozo.co.uk site that your information
may be used to allow THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION to contact you for
"service administration purposes", this means that THE
BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION or anyone we send, sell, lend, give, or otherwise
allow to have your information, may contact you for a number of
purposes related to the service you have signed up for. For example,
we may wish to provide you with password reminders or notify you
that the particular service has been suspended for maintenance.
We will probably not contact you for promotional purposes, such
as notifying you of improvements to the service or new services
on Beelzebozo.co.uk unless you specifically agree to be contacted
for such purposes at the time you submit your information on the
site, or we really, really want to.
5. Access to your personal information
You have the right to request a copy of the personal information
THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION holds about you and to have any inaccuracies
corrected. (We charge £78,950 for information requests.) Please
address requests to the Data Distribution Officer, Beelzebozo Corporation,
Masterdog Towers, Lonron, BBM 666 (Email: ddo@Beelzebozo.co.uk).
6. Users 16 and under
If you are aged 16 or under, please get your parent/guardian's permission
beforehand whenever you provide personal information to THE BEELZEBOZO
CORPORATION's website. Users without this consent are not allowed
to provide us with personal information. Or you could just lie about
your age. Say you were born in 1989. That should be convincing enough.
7. How to find and control your cookies
On your Task Bar, click:
1 Edit, then
3 Click on Advanced
4 Click on Cookies
5 Choose Tools, then
6 Internet Options
7 Click the Privacy Tab
8 Click on Custom Level
9 Click on the 'Advanced' button
10 Check the seams of your trousers for fluff and stains.
11 Choose Tools
12 Insert tools
13 Wiggle tools about in idle fashion
14 Click on Customer Intrusion
15 Scroll down.
16 Choose View, then
17 Throw monitor through window
18 Click the tab
23 Cookies 8, Cakes 2
24 Edit, then
25 Rub testicles
26 Click on Advanced Techniques
27 Click on Cook
28 Click on View Cook
29 Choose Tools, then
30 Insert tools into cook
31 Click the General tab
32 Report to Court Marshal for Clicking a superior officer
33 View Files
34 View, then click
35 Internet removal device
36 Under the tab General (the default tab) click
37 Settings sun
38 View Files.
39 View Foals
40 View Fields
41 View What A Scorcher!
42 View, View, Barney McGrew
Just click on a cookie to open it. You'll see a short string of
text and numbers. The numbers are meaningless drivel, which can
be ignored by the server that gave you the cookie. They are used
by Beelzebozo to clog up your PC and cause you the most inconvenience
8. In order to suitably intergrate you into the BEELZEBOZO HEAVY
INDUSTRIES SAFE AND FRIENDLY VISION OF THE FUTURE™ it may
become necessary for you to make available to us your banking details,
occupation, address, date of birth, height, weight, eye colour,
genital size and shape etc. DO NOT REFUSE US THIS INFORMATION. Failure
to make available any information requested by THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION
can and probably will result in torture.
9. THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION will check your credit card details
from time to time. Be aware that this may happen and have your details
ready to give any representative of THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION immediately
on request. Do not make these very busy people wait any longer than
is absolutely necessary. They do not like to be kept waiting. Do
we need to remind you of the numerous possibilities of torture?
10. THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION like you to be happy. From time to
time, however, unhappiness may be inadvertantly bestowed upon you
for reasons beond the control of THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION. Do
not complain to us about it as we don't really care a jot. Complaining
will, as usual, result in torture.
11. Failure to report to torture sessions will result in double
torture. Failure to report to double torture will result in death
of the slow and painful kind. THE BEELZEBOZO CORPORATION wish that
there were another way, they really do, but unfortunately, there
12. Beelzebozo couldn’t really give a stuff about your privacy,
but luckily no-one ever reads these things all the way through.
Apart from you. You will be located and dealt with. Torture for
one coming up.
Beelzebozo Heavy Industries (Customer Indigestion Division)
eat yellow snow.
To end your ignorance, information on Beelzebozo can be found by
asking strangers on the street for money in return for sexual favours,
by clicking the contact us link below*
or by visiting
Your message will be ignored in line with official Beelzebozo